HARVEST MOON 2020
Dear Seekers after Truth,
I’ve finally found a newsletter service brave enough to deliver my Delphic pronouncements!
It’s called Substack.
It’s essentially the same as TinyLetter, only it allows writers to charge money for their newsletters.
I’m currently debating whether my horoscopes are worth $1,000 or $2,000 per month. I’ll let you know what I decide.
In the meantime, you will continue to receive this monthly missive in your email box as before.
Frankly, I’m relieved.
I didn’t love the idea of posting these horoscopes on Facebook.
Zuckerberg is a Taurus and his natal chart has Pluto and Saturn in his 2nd House.
Need I say more?
Anyway, here we go.
Aries
This month, you will make the responsible decision to cancel your Halloween plans and instead stay home, quietly bobbing for apples in the backyard with the neighborhood kids.
Taurus
This month, someone will walk in on you during a virtual dermatology appointment. You will struggle to explain.
Gemini
This month, you will be chased through a hedge maze at midnight by an animated scarecrow who is not—horror of horrors—wearing a mask!
Cancer
This month, you will spend a pleasant Sunday leaf-peeping. That night, an October wind will plaster a leaf against your bedroom window, just to see how you like it.
Leo
During a Covid test this month, the nurse will slip while administering your nasal swab, leaving you with total amnesia for the year 2020. You’re welcome.
Virgo
During a past life regression session this month, you will be burned at the stake as a Salem witch, which finally explains your long-standing fear of direct bodily contact with fire.
Libra
This month, as your home is about to be engulfed by a wildfire, your prayers will be answered when a Cat 5 hurricane arrives just in time.
Scorpio
During a séance this month, you will be shocked to discover that you’re the dead one. Haunt wisely.
Sagittarius
In order to make a few extra bucks this month, you will moonlight as a fortune teller in Salem. Unfortunately, you never considered how much Purell a palm reader goes through. It’s a net loss.
Capricorn
When you go to the polls this month, you will be happy to wear a mask—it helps to muffle your compulsive swearing as you vote.
Aquarius
This month, when you put your cell phone on Airplane mode during an important meeting, you will feel a little thrill of adventure—it’s the closest you’ll come to being on a plane this year.
Pisces
This month, thinking you’re original, you will carve a jack-o-lantern with a face mask and place it on your front stairs. But when you look up and down the street, it’s jack-o-lanterns with face masks as far as the eye can see.
Writing in the Dark
I wrote a short piece for Writer’s Digest Magazine. The essay describes the assistive technology I use—or that uses me—in my writing process. You can find it in the September/October 2020 issue.
Hard copies of the magazine are available at most bookshops, and the digital edition is available here (behind a towering paywall, alas).
See you all on Halloween!
—WD