It’s The Full Moon – Cold Moon 2019
Dear seekers after truth,
At 12:12 AM this morning, on 12/12 no less, the Cold Moon (otherwise known as Long Night Moon or Oak Moon) reached its peak fullness.
Did you feel it?
I felt it.
And now we teeter on the precipice of a Friday the 13th.
And not just any Friday the 13th.
NASA tells us an asteroid the size of a Boeing 747 hurtling at 18,000 mph will come nauseatingly close to Earth tomorrow.
These startling synchronicities—along with the widespread outrage sparked by last month’s newsletter—have convinced me that I was wrong.
I simply cannot in good conscience stop providing the public (you guys) with accurate, genuine horoscopes.
Not when there's so much uncertainty in the world.
If I can warn just one poor soul that this Christmas season his scarf will be swallowed by an escalator’s metal teeth, triggering a mall-wide shutdown and blanket news coverage, isn’t that my duty?
Even if he can’t use this foreknowledge to change his future—and he can’t, that scarf is getting caught—at least he can emotionally prepare and hire a good personal injury lawyer in advance.
So next month, the horoscopes are coming back.
By popular (and celestial) demand.
In the meantime…
MALADIES
I’m pleased to introduce a brand new segment for this newsletter. Each month, MALADIES will focus on one of my many, many problems.
My main problem this month was back spasms. What follows is a faithful and unredacted transcription of a call I made to my primary care doctor’s office yesterday.
****
Nurse: What’s going on today?
Me: I’m having back spasms.
Nurse: How do you know?
Me: I can feel them.
Nurse: Where?
Me: In my back.
Nurse: What do you feel?
Me: Spasms.
Nurse: Burning? Stabbing? Stinging? Stiffness?
Me: Stiffness.
Nurse: OK, and when—
Me: —and fluttering.
Nurse: Fluttering?
Me: Yes.
Nurse: What does that mean—fluttering?
Me: The muscles are fluttering.
Nurse: Where?
Me: In my back.
Nurse: Fluttering?
Me: Yes.
Nurse: OK.
Me: Like wings.
Nurse: What?
Me: Like wings.
Nurse: What?
Me: Like butterfly wings trying to break out of a cocoon.
Pause.
Nurse: Please hold.
Me: OK.
3 minutes later.
Nurse: Sir?
Me: Yes.
Nurse: Hi, there.
Me: Hi.
Nurse: I have the doctor here.
Me: OK.
Doctor: You say you have butterfly wings coming out of your back?
ART NEWS
I’m happy to report that Vermeer Through a New Lens, currently on display at MIT’s Rotch Library, will remain on view until January 10, 2020.
Many thanks to MIT Libraries for the extension.
—WD
Song of the Month
Elliot Smith, King’s Crossing (The most depressing Christmas song of all time)