It's The Full Moon - Strawberry Moon 2019
Dear seekers after truth,
Over the past half year, I’ve heard the occasional grumbling from newsletter recipients disappointed by their horoscopes. “They’re always so bleak,” they complain. “Can’t I get a better future?”
To which I can only reply: I can be bribed.
Anyways, here we go.
HOROSCOPES
Aries
This month, while walking through the park on your lunch hour, you’re injured by a public art installation, leading to a well-publicized court case that is settled, on the eve of trial, when the defendants offer you a reimbursement of medical expenses and an honorary doctorate of fine arts.
Taurus
This month, after finishing that Chernobyl show, you feel relieved that nothing similar could happen here and now…until you google the nearest reactor and its string of recent safety violations.
Gemini
This month, when that person you were just complaining about runs into you on the street, you begin wondering if you are, after all, the center of your very own Truman Show.
Cancer
This month, it once again rains on your summer birthday, prompting you to wonder if, since you can change your name on your birth certificate, you can change your DOB. You can’t.
Leo
This month, when you attempt to make small talk with a good-looking dental assistant, you drool all over yourself, resulting in a silence so awkward it’s frankly a relief when the dentist fires up his drill.
Virgo
This month, you become so inspired by a Youtube video about the top ten entrepreneurs who are “crushing it,” you devote a full five minutes to finally googling this bitcoin thing.
Libra
This month, your honor will be called into question when you visit the Apple Store and swear—hand to God—that your unresponsive iPhone did not get wet, only to have one of the Geniuses extract a tell-tale grain of rice from the charging port.
Scorpio
This month, you will become so fed up on a stalled train, you transform one of those strange, frightening people who march between subway cars—as if there’s somewhere to go.
Sagittarius
This month, I have two words for you: chimney, raccoons.
Capricorn
This month, in an effort to combat your afternoon fogginess at work, you order and ingest one of those infomercial brain supplements—the resulting gills will come in handy at the hotel pool this summer.
Aquarius
This month, you will run a 5K race without reading the fine print and end up raising quite a bit of money for Animal Home Ownership.
Pisces
This month, your credit cards will be frozen for irregular activity—as usual.
WRITING NEWS
Sunday was Bloomsday, and if you don’t know what that means, I got you. Here’s a radio piece I did for an NPR affiliate, WVIA, that aired Monday, June 17th.
http://www.wvia.org/blogs/artscene-erika-funke/confessions-of-a-recovering-jocyean/
—WD
Song of the Month:
Paper Trails, Darkside