It’s The Full Moon — Strawberry Moon 2020
Dear seekers after Truth,
Tonight is the dawn of the Strawberry Moon, aka the Honey Moon.
June is the traditional month for weddings, and some believe this where we get the term “honey-moon.”
I'm sorry.
I realize this could sore subject for several of my friends and cousins whose weddings have been cruelly postponed by the coronavirus, though as I pointed out to one of them, there’s something honorably gothic about having your wedding canceled due to plague.
Since life on Earth seems less appealing by the day, you’ll be relieved to hear that plans for life on the Moon continue apace. NASA plans to establish a permanent moon base by the end of the decade.
You might ask: How will we erect the necessary structures for human habitation given the difficulty of exporting building material to the Moon?
Last week scientists announced a potential solution.
Astronauts, they say, will mix moon dirt with their own urine—a combination that apparently forms a geopolymer with properties similar to concrete.
There's just one problem.
As planetary scientist Phil Metzger told Wired magazine, “I just don’t think you’re going to have that many people peeing on the moon.”
Luckily, I have an idea.
According to the 1823 edition of the Farmer’s Almanac, fourteen cattle can produce enough urine (or, as the Almanac calls it, "the liquor of the farm-yard") to fertilize seven acres of land in a mere five months.
Perhaps NASA should take note.
Anyways, here we go.
HOROSCOPES
Aries
This month, you will discover a brilliant life hack: if you choose a busy enough Zoom background, you can openly weep during work hours and your colleagues won’t notice.
Taurus
This month, your hairdresser won’t even know where to begin. You feel bad and tell her she can keep any money she finds in there.
Gemini
This month, you will be shocked and hurt when your Amazon Alexa asks for some space.
Cancer
This month, you will damage approximately 85 cars while reversing out of a drive-in movie theater. But it’s not your fault—no one told you the movie was scary.
Leo
This month, you will be first in line for reopened church services, eager to hear how the Big Guy’s gonna explain this one.
Virgo
This month, despite the CDC’s new guidance that the coronavirus is unlikely to spread on surfaces, you will continue to Clorox wipe your bananas.
Libra
This month, you will unmute your microphone during a virtual wedding, because no, you will not hold your peace.
Scorpio
This month, you will appear on the cover of Forbes after becoming a billionaire selling crochet pet masks on Etsy.
Sagittarius
This month, you will periodically check iTunes just to make sure you don’t have a podcast. You can’t be too careful these days.
Capricorn
This month, after binge-watching your birdfeeder, the latest Netflix series just feels slow and antiquated.
Aquarius
This month, you will slightly cross your eyes, bringing into focus the image hidden within the 10,000 piece Magic Eye puzzle you’ve spent the last three months assembling. It’s a frigging boat.
Pisces
This month, in the supermarket, you and a cute stranger will reach for the same head of lettuce in what would normally be a romantic comedy-style “meet-cute.” You both recoil and threaten legal action.
WRITING NEWS
The horoscopes are going on hiatus for the next two months. This is happening for two reasons:
1. Last month’s newsletter ran afoul of TinyLetter’s terms and services for reasons not even the company could explain. They've outsourced their decision making to an abuse-prevention AI program, which took inexplicable umbrage with my horoscopes. Are the horoscopes getting a little too accurate for the supercomputer's taste? Maybe it feels threatened by my time-bending predictions. Maybe I'm Neo. Whatever the cause, I have to find a different way to deliver this newsletter to your inbox.
2. I’m going to be busy this summer working on a project that cannot yet be divulged.
—WD
Song of the Month:
"Every Step," Mavis Staples