It’s The Full Moon – Sturgeon Moon 2019
Dear seekers after truth,
I’m so, so sorry about missing last month’s newsletter. It must have been absolutely terrifying to scramble through the past lunar month without the celestial security of a proper horoscope. I hope you all made it.
You’re probably wondering how I could have let the newsletter slide during last month’s Buck Moon. What can I say? I’m a Pisces.
Anyways, here we go.
HOROSCOPES
Aries
This month, on an evening walk, you will hold lingering eye contact with a rabbit and resolve to leave your work and family behind and go live in the wild.
Taurus
This month, you will be startled to learn that you are currently polling at 2% in the New Hampshire Democratic primary, ahead of several members of Congress.
Gemini
This month, on a whim, you will put a quarter in one of those coin-operated telescopes and accidentally observe an alpine murder, then spend the rest of your weekend getaway running from men in leather gloves.
Cancer
This month, when you show up to a cousin’s wedding scratched and bloody, you will have to think fast to come up with a convincing cover story, because you certainly can’t tell the truth—that you tried to break up a turkey fight and they turned on you.
Leo
This month, you will be relieved to receive a summons to jury duty, which offers a comforting glimpse into the lives of people even more screwed up than you.
Virgo
This month, you will scream the word “backsplash” into a stunned realtor’s face.
Libra
This month, at the encouragement of your therapist, you will take an improv class to “loosen up,” but a skit about clowns in an elevator proves so traumatizing that you break from reality and spend the rest of your life in a mental hospital, tragically convinced that the doctors and fellow patients are your scene partners and that the skit is still ongoing.
Scorpio
This month, you will swallow a moth. Don’t be afraid.
Sagittarius
This month, when you are woken in the middle of the night by the sound of a truck and gushing water, you will stumble from bed and peer out the window, and because you’ve never heard of “hydrant-flushing,” you will be convinced that you must be dreaming, so you feel at liberty to lean out the bedroom window and shout abuse at the municipal employees working below.
Capricorn
This month, you will lose the tip of a finger in the process of opening a delicious lobster. It’ll be worth it.
Aquarius
This month, swimming in the ocean, you will not see a shark. But a shark will see you.
Pisces
This month, short on funds, you will sue your parents for giving birth to you without your previous written consent.
WRITING NEWS
My first book, Areas of Fog, has been named a Massachusetts Book Award Nonfiction “Must Read.”
As an astrologer, I’m used to feigning surprise when events already written in the stars come to pass. I thought about announcing this win a few months ago, but I decided that might be a little crass.
But seriously, I’m honored to be included in this “Must Read” list, not least because of the amazing company. Check out the other winners here: https://www.massbook.org/mass-book-awards
Thanks to the Massachusetts Council for the Book and the Mass Book Awards judges for this incredible vote of confidence.
The stars must have aligned.
—WD
Song of the Month:
Slow Coming, Benjamin Booker