It’s The Full Moon -- Super Worm Moon 2020

Dear Seekers After Truth,

It feels morally suspect, in this moment of global contagion and economic cataclysm, to direct your attention to these tongue-in-cheek horoscopes.

Not when you should be spending your precious time stockpiling garbanzo beans, looting Costco for toilet paper, and sealing your elderly relatives in oversized hamster balls.

But that’s the thing about heavenly bodies—they don’t care about us.

Even if a plague wipes humans from the face of the Earth, the Moon will go on waxing and waning.

Just as the robins will go on pulling earthworms from the ground.

So look up.

Tonight is the Super Worm Moon—and it will be the last one you ever see.

Unless you make it to 2144.

Anyways, here we go:


HOROSCOPES

Aries
This month, you will clear your throat several times as you work up the courage to ask your accountant whether a pot of leprechaun gold has to be declared.

Taurus
This month, you will watch the news about COVID-19 and shake your head, surprised at just how far Netflix is taking this “War of the Worlds”-style promotional campaign.

Gemini
This month, after waiting in line for hours at the RMV to get your Real ID, you will be turned away because while you remembered to bring your birth certificate, your passport, your marriage license, your Social Security card and 2 pieces of mail, you forgot to bring your baby teeth.

Cancer
This month, sensing which way the wind is blowing, you will abandon your homebrewed craft beer project and begin making hand sanitizer in your bathtub.

Leo
This month, you will patent the “gentle-wake” smoke alarm, which gradually introduces a soothing soundtrack of ocean waves and birdsong during your lightest phase of sleep, guaranteeing that you wake up feeling refreshed and ready to start your escape.

Virgo
This month, you will encounter caramelized fennel.

Libra
This month, you will spend an entire commute wondering how it's possible you've never seen Donald Trump laugh.

Scorpio
This month, by flat out refusing to “spring forward,” you will spark a widespread and ultimately deadly protest against Big Daylight Saving.

Sagittarius
This month, St. Patrick’s Day will find you in a dark, sparsely populated pub, drunkenly extolling the anti-viral properties of Guinness.

Capricorn
This month, you will be so bored during a two-week self-quarantine that you end up inventing a new craze called yogami—a cross between origami and yoga.

Aquarius
This month, you will spend six hours trapped in the noisiest place on planet Earth: the Amtrak Quiet Car.

Pisces
This month, your birthday will somehow be ruined by Ben Affleck.



WRITING NEWS

Last month I received these amazing photos in my inbox. They show a class of young writers at UPenn discussing Areas of Fog and composing their own weather-inspired essays. Many thanks to Beth Kephart—author, professor, and leader of the Juncture writing workshops—for continuing to champion my book!

—W


Song of the Month:

Is there anything better than playing out a song, forgetting it exists, then rediscovering it ten years later?
White Lies, “Death”